dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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