My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
