seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
