Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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