Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
