well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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