yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
