Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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