tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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