Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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