Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
