Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
