The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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