we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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