im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
