Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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