She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
