Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
