Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
