So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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