She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this