if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
your room smells of hookers.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
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I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
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Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.