So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.