I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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