Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
