Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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