I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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