This dress was meant to end up on your floor
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
