I want to walk on stilts...naked
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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