You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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