They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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