I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
