Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
