Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
