the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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