Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
