The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
