i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
