oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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