i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
