ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
