I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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