what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I forgot how hot balto sounded
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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