I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
