I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
