Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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