And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
