Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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