birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He shit in the fireplace
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
