on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
