he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
