I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I want to be your penis for a week.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
