I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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