My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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