i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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