I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
