thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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