he thought i was a dude.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i need some magic done to my vagina
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
