He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time